So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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