Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize