not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
