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I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize