I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
