I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't turn off my feet"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
