just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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