Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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