it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
false alarm, still single
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize