Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
