I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
