I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize