I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
