I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
