Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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