Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
