Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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