just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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