im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
