He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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