three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
