I feel great
I just peed on a car
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
