Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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