Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
