maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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