Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
