It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
