when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
