are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
