listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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