Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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