The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just cropdusted the office
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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