there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
