There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
