That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
