The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
