you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
whose parrot is this?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Drake has all the answers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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