I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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