I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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