i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
