Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
