The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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