Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
