I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
