i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
