I haven't been this sober since birth.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
