you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
