A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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