You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
