I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
