If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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