why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
