she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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