my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
