Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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