Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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