i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
