Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
