she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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