gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize