Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
how drunk are you?
Several
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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