I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Floor bacon is actually really good
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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