Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't make out with my wife yet
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
