i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
