Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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